A note on Real Life BDSM

As you all know, one of my reasons for writing HBR and ABD is so I can give you a few glimpses into my world - and I feel that of late we’ve breached a lot of new ground for many people. At least from what feedback I got I see that people are confused, and try to make up their mind about where what I write fits into what they ‘know’. Maybe I can shed a little light on some things - how they really are in BDSM.

To make things easier on me I will write this from a male Dom / female sub POV, but obviously everything I say is applicable to any kind of gender combination.

The most important thing first:
Everything that happens in a D/s relationship is consensual. ANYTHING that is not 100% consensual is NOT BDSM. No one is every forced, coerced, or talked into this. No one goes into it blindly, and without having reason aplenty to trust the other one. Anything else is abuse and rape, and should never be referred to as BDSM.



How a D/s relationship works
You always have to keep in mind that almost everything in BDSM is roleplaying. So most things are not quite as they seem at a first glance.
One of the most persistent wrong ideas that I encounter is that a D/s relationship is one-sided. In fact, it is the most equal kind of relationship that I know. On the outside it might look as if everything happens because it’s the Dom’s will, that he demands, orders, and the sub has to obey, give regardless of whether she really wants to or not. He is selfish, she is selfless.

This is not the case.

Now why do Doms do what they do? Obviously, we are all selfish creatures when it comes to sex and gratification. And there are no exceptions to this. Yes, a Dom enjoys being in control; he enjoys putting his sub through her paces. But the real reason why he does what he does is because he is indulging his sub’s needs. He does what he does because he knows she wants this, needs this, and he is one of the very few people who can help her live her fantasies. Also, with her he can embrace this side of him that he can’t otherwise. It’s mutually beneficial for both of them - and that’s why it’s never one-sided, and never abusive.

There are also many myths and misconceptions out there around the proper behavior of both Dom and sub. Let’s take a closer look at them, shall we?
The accusation I got the most for my Edward, time and again, is that he is cruel. While that may be true, I don’t see that as a bad thing as most people seem to imply. As a Dom, he has a role to play that is pretty rigid. Controlling, in control (and that’s not the same), harsh, strict, inapproachable, possessive. He is acting like that because a) it is how he sees himself as Dom, and b) because it is the kind of Dom Bella wants him to be. Of course not all Doms act like that - but 95% are harsh, unforgiving assholes in their role, and they act exactly how their subs want them to act!!
What some readers expect is kindness and gentle caresses - probably because they miss that in their own relationship s- but this is NOT what the role model Dom is acting like. Not what most subs expect of them. A sub knows that her Dom respects the hell out of her. That he cherishes her for who she is, what she is, what she does and what she gives to him - but part of his role is that he doesn’t show it during play.
Another thing I feel many people are surprised about is that he indeed likes inflicting pain. And not just the amount of pain he knows Bella’s brain is able to write off as pleasure. You all know what part of the BDSM acronym stands for - sadism and masochism. And yes, a sadist likes to inflict real pain. But not to just anyone - and as a responsible Dom he’d only ever do anything like that to a receptive masochist who can and does appreciate it (and him!) for what it is. Most Doms I know have at least a sadistic streak. None ever shied away from physically punishing me when needed.
Now you might ask yourself, how does a Dom know how much pain a sub can take (for it to be still pleasurable, or bearable at all) - the answer is simple. She has to show and tell him firsthand how much she wants, likes, or can stand. Trial and error is your friend, baby - and you always have to remember, a sub who agrees to do some pain play wants it and enjoys it, even when it hurts. Else she wouldn’t agree to it!

Now let’s move on the the submissive. Like the Dom, the sub has to play a role. She has to obey, she has to put aside her own needs and indulge his; she is the passive part of the duo, she is the one on the receiving end. But like the people they are, submissives come in many flavors. Some love being selfless and will aim to read every wish from their Dom’s eyes, take everything that comes willingly, openly. Others are more into being made to submit, being dragged and pushed every step along the way - but really love that while they might pretend to protest. Some even like to provoke and ‘deserve’ whatever is in store for them. In a way, a sub has way more liberty in how to act than a Dom.

But it all comes down to one essential thing - and this is really important. BDSM is ALWAYS what you WANT it to be. What you NEGOTIATE. What you AGREE on before you start playing. And trust me when I tell you that really everything is up for discussion. EVERYTHING.

About trust:
One thing I have heard a lot of late is that some of you feel they never could trust someone as much as a sub needs to trust her Dom, and vice versa. Of course in HBR & ABD Bella and Edward are in a very close and strong romantic relationship besides the D/s level - but while those feelings have helped them in the beginning and further their open communication, they have just as often been an obstacle. Some people don’t even want to be romantically involved with those they play because they believe that the kind of brutal honesty required is not possible in a romantic relationship. I disagree, but it certainly is a challenge.

The trust that is required is the same trust we all have in authority figures and professionals - people who have learned their trade and are experienced. Corruption and all such things aside, we trust in politicians to lead our countries. We trust teachers to educate our children. We trust the plumber we call in to take care of the blocked drainage. THIS is the kind of trust a Dom and sub have in each other.
This trust is earned. Reputation and responsibility are two very important things in BDSM. Mostly for the Dom, as he is the active part and the director of the scene. Whatever a Dom does, he always has to be aware that it will reflect on how others perceive him. It is in his best interest that no sub has any reason to call abuse, if he ever wants to find a new partner to play with. Most communities will believe a sub over a Dom when it comes to a conflict, and they are fast to ban people they recognize as predators, to ensure that the community creates and upholds a safe environment for everyone, but in particular for new submissives. Every Dom knows that, and every Dom worth his salt will go to great lengths to ensure that he doesn’t overstep the sub’s limits, that she always knows he respects her and that she is in good hands and safe. That she can trust that he knows what he does, that he has researched and learned the techniques, that he is aware just how much what he does hurts. That he has every minuscule detail planned and has a contingency plan.
But not all the responsibility lies with the Dom alone. It is just as important that the Dom can trust the sub explicitly. A sub has to know her limits and be able to communicate them. Whatever happens, she always has to retain enough awareness to make sure she enforces those limits. That the moment something isn’t right for her, she uses her safeword - the Dom can’t always know if those cries are from appreciated pain or from a suddenly occurring cramp. He can’t know if the mindfuckery is deliciously evil for the sub or if roleplay suddenly turns to real horror in her mind. But he can - in fact he has to - trust that she WILL stop him should things take a turn for the worst. That she will never suck it up and hesitate for whatever reason - not to hurt his feelings, not to feel stupid herself. But at the same time, he also has to trust that she will never abuse her safeword in turn. Safewords are for accidents - not so the sub can get out of an uncomfortable situation. A responsible sub knows that she has to keep all that in mind - and will do so, unless she wants to get kicked out just as fast as an abusive Dom.

Accidents happen.
There is no way to eliminate them completely, and considering what most people do in their playrooms they happen more frequently than any of us want them to. Safety is a great issue in BDSM. Yes, there is a lot of material on that subject out there, books, websites, seminars. A Dom has to know what can go wrong before he even picks up the first rope, ties the first knot. He has to educate himself, has to ask someone to show him how it is done, should probably try it out himself. And he has to be prepared to stop the scene, get the sub out of whatever she is in and administer first aid at any second. For that to work he has to be in control of himself at any given moment. He can never let his guard down, he can never let go completely. Any scene involves a lot more work that it (hopefully) shows to make it successful and enjoyable for the sub, and above all else, safe.
Also, Doms feel terrible when something does happen to their subs in a scene that wasn’t planned. They feel like it is their responsibility to make sure that can’t happen, but as it in fact did happen they have let their sub down. I personally have never blamed a Dom for an accident (even though most often it has his fault, in one way or another, but we’re all human, we are allowed to make mistakes), and none of them have ever just shrugged it off. They have made sure that I’m okay, they have later paid great attention for whatever went wrong not to happen again, and I have seldom felt more pampered than when they’ve tried to make it up to me however they could. All of them were good, responsible guys who were horrified that something could have happened on their watch, while minutes before that they’ve been occupied with making my life hell. This is how it goes.

Punishment
Another subject that keeps coming up is pain. As I said before, most Doms are into pain play. Pain, like very few other things, is a very powerful instrument. Also, it’s something very out of our ordinary lives as far as giving and receiving it goes. What I hear a lot is that most of my readers are not into it and have a lot of problems understanding how anyone can perceive it as pleasurable.
Have you ever received a light erotic spanking?
Having your ass slapped by hand is in very few occasions actually painful, and in most women the regular rhythm actually furthers natural lubrication. It also draws the focus to where it should be in sex - if you can appreciate the sensation, that is. But in any way, 5, or even 30, spanks are laughable. They are never punishment. They are not even ‘punishment’. I wish people would stop writing shit like this.

As far as I am concerned, there are two kinds of punishment. One is a consequence for a breach of rules - the other a sort of chastisement that is not always really deserved but part of the play. What I mean when I say punishment is the former - when the sub fucks up, breaks the rules (deliberately or not), there have to be consequences as the BDSM relationship is set up to work like that. This kind of punishment is never meant to be enjoyable - for neither the sub nor the Dom. It also should be something exceptional - and something that leaves an impression. For instance, if you have a sub who has a high pain tolerance, just whipping her will not really get the message across as it’s just an extrapolation of what they usually do anyway. But maybe ignoring her, or treating her like a petulant little coddled girl instead of the confident painslut she is used to being perceives as might just do the trick. Still, she can - and is expected to - use her safeword when things get too much.

Using safewords never has any repercussions. Every Dom and sub knows that. As I said before, the sub is required to be honest about it and never abuse that safety net - it’s like the emergency stop on a train and should be handled with about as much care.
Still, just to communicate her misgivings a sub doesn’t need to use her safeword. She can just approach her Dom and tell him - respectfully if they are still playing, frankly outside of the scene - what rubs her the wrong way. Maybe it is something that was intended by the Dom and will thus be ignored (although he will tell her not to worry as he is aware of her predicament, whatever it is) - maybe it was something he really didn’t know and will of course make sure to stop it from happening or adjust the surrounding circumstances. He will never be cross with the sub for speaking up - he can’t read minds and consequently relies on her to provide what he can’t know himself. In fact, sometimes a Dom might even push a sub until she uses her safeword so they both know exactly how far he can go - and what is too far. I personally don’t think of that as irresponsible - unless she has explicitly expressed that she doesn’t want that to happen, ever. After all he will expect her to stop him and act accordingly to make her feel comfortable and safe as fast as possible again.

Sub drop and aftercare
We’ve had the topic of sub drop twice in the story already - it is something that actually happens a lot more than most of you probably think. I think I cried after more than half of my first handful of scenes, and none of them were even remotely too much for me on a physical level. Sometimes the mind just can’t handle things - and it is incredibly elevating and relieving to just let go and let yourself be caught and comforted. Because that’s what a responsible Dom does once a scene has ended - provide whatever the sub needs to ‘come back’ to herself. Hugs, kisses, cookies, jokes, a steady shoulder to lean on - whatever kind of comfort is required. As much as most subs don’t want their Doms acting concerned or caring inside the scene, once it’s over they appreciate getting pampered. And, quite frankly, most Doms I know are gentlemen, old fashioned ‘read every wish from her eyes’ kind of guys. Maybe because they really DO appreciate what the sub is offering - maybe because they have an outlet for their ‘dark’ side so they can in turn indulge the other half of themselves outside of the playroom - maybe because you have to be that kind of responsible person to be a Dom - maybe to give something back for having received the gift of her submission.
More often than not, psychological aftercare is more important than physical. it might be nice if someone rubs the kinks out of your back muscles after you’ve been in suspension bondage for the last hour, but it is not that important. Just feeling close to her Dom and appreciated for what she has endured is way more important for a sub. For the length of the scene she has been a sub, now she is a person again and will be treated accordingly.
Yet if there is need for any kind of physical aftercare, a responsible Dom will administer it. I might not always write the full extent of that but I hope I have made it abundantly clear that this is always the case in what I write.

Play parties
As for proper behavior at a play party you can just go back an re-read the two chapters - I’ve pretty much summed up my own experience.
A play party is foremost a party, a social gathering of like-minded people. Like with every other event of that kind everyone is expected to be polite and respectful and don’t act like an ass. Usually, everything is very casual - everyone should feel welcome and at home.
Obviously, some people will act ‘in role’ while they are there, and that should be respected - but at the same time everyone can expect of them to be respected when they are not acting like that. Mostly for those who do act as Dom or sub so-and-so there it is an extension of their personal roleplay, between everyone who has previously agreed to be included in that scene (although to outstanding people it might not be obvious that they are playing right then). No one will look weirdly at a naked slave, only clad in a collar, kneeling at her Master’s feet, nor will they think that he’s a controlling idiot for making her do that. Yet at the same time, no one will reprimand a player - sub nor Dom - who is not currently playing for not acting according to their chosen role but speaking their mind openly and honestly.

In short - not all scenes start with one partner kneeling in the playroom and the other closing the playroom door. Not all scenes only include two people. But no one who is not included in an ongoing scene has anything to do with the participants, not is it their place to reprimand or judge the players. I’m explaining that because someone asked me about it - in the concrete example it was about a group of people at a play party talking, none of them were playing, and the sub spoke freely, whereas she was then reprimanding by the attending Doms and her Dom was shunned for letting her act like that. This, quite frankly, is bullshit. No one would ever do that at a play party. If she’s not acting as a sub she is not playing, but it simply an attending woman who happens to have an interest in being a sexual submissive but who is at that moment not playing this role, and will thus be regarded as a ‘neutral attending person at a party’. Sorry for the stocky phrasing but I don’t know how else to explain it. Unless you are playing in an active scene, no one will see you as a sub or Dom or whatever.

And last but not least - orgasm denial.
I was a little taken aback by how many people griped about that in the last chapters. Then I started thinking where this fluke was coming from, and realized that inadvertently I have breached the ‘standard BDSM perception’ topic yet again without even realizing it.
Between you an me, let’s be honest, how often a week do you have sex? How often do you have an orgasm?
I hate it when I have to go a week without sex but even without not being allowed to I don’t always come when I have sex, particularly outside of play. But this isn’t normal sex - this is BDSM. And whether you like it or not, you have to realize that BDSM is not just about sex. In fact, sometimes BDSM is not even sex.

Now what do I mean with that?
Sex is about simply sexual gratification. BDSM is about assuming a role, acting according to that, giving and receiving pain and pleasure, hours spent doing many fun and unspeakable things - but really, getting off is the least important part of it. Nearly everyone can get off on their own very very fast without even needing any toys. But you need an experienced Dom to hang you head first from the ceiling, whip you until your back resembles a red colored public transport map, make you beg and cry and moan and scream - and of course you appreciate having an orgasm after all that, but you’re in it for the parts you cannot achieve on your own - not the stupid orgasm.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Os like the next woman. I get off a lot, and I masturbate a lot if I’m not forbidden from doing so - when I’m bored, when I feel like it, before I go to sleep, when I watch/read/write porn - but none of these orgasms can compare to what happens to my mind and body when we play. Quite frankly, I play because I need to get off that way, but it’s not the orgasm itself I crave, it’s the whole experience, and most of it is directly linked to submitting to the guy who loves to be in control of me.

I hate not being allowed to masturbate, and I go crazy when I’m not allowed to come for extended amounts of time. Yet for me, like for every other submissive, it is always worth it to hold out and wait for my Dom’s approval. I have caved before, and not only did that orgasm feel even inferior to normal lame masturbating, it made me feel guilty and sick of my own weakness. Because I want my Dom to be in control of me, I want his praise and do what he commands, and absolutely nothing is worth breaching that trust he has in me to obey.

Being denied a climax is like being denied food when you have to get your blood taken the next day - you’re instantly extremely hungry and can think of nothing else. And there you have the reason why Doms use orgasm denial as a tool (and do so very often in RL BDSM!!) - it’s the easiest way to turn a sub into a constantly wet, willing, wanton slut who will virtually do everything to receive release. It’s a great way for her to show that she is in fact submitting to him; it makes her feel owned, makes her feel his, and trust me, that’s a very powerful and appreciated feeling for both partners. It also turns her drab life into a living sexualized hell (that is so delicious although it’s frustrating) - and when she finally gets that release she so desperately needs it will be a hell of a climax, a lot stronger and more satisfying that otherwise achievable.

So the take-away message from this is: You cannot equate this kind of orgasm denial to the frustration you feel when your partner is unable to sexually satisfy you. But at the same time, it’s just a simple tool of many used by a Dom who likes to spice things up. The BDSM equivalent of having sex on the kitchen floor, or eating steak on Monday when Monday is usually pasta day.

Extra brownie points for everyone who has made it this far - many people write shorter chapters than I write notes ;) I hope you learned something new today, if I’m lucky I could also clear up a few misconceptions or clarify things.

The most important thing, really, I cannot stress it enough, is that BDSM is consensual and mutually beneficial, ALWAYS. Romantically involved couples do this because they both love each other and love making the other feel so good as only they can. In a strong and healthy D/s relationship there is no coercion, there is no ‘oh I really hate this but I suffer through it for him but secretly hate it’ - in the end, all roleplaying aside, both partners always do what they do because the LOVE doing it, and love doing it together, as equals who respect each other. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it is a wonderful, beautiful thing.

If anyone says anything different, they have no idea what they are talking about. If anyone writes abuse and calls it BDSM, whack them over the head good. There is nothing wrong at all with being into BDSM - for those who participate in it it is a wonderful, natural thing. It is something that lies dormant in them from the start and is awakened and brought into full bloom eventually - no traumatic event can cause it, and it cannot be cured because it is no infliction or disease. And in a perfect world people would stop calling their fantasies BDSM when they are so obviously not that. I’m all for writing whatever you want - but you cannot put a label like this on it when it is not the real thing.

Thank you for your attention!