Copy of the ABD ch25 A/N

For anyone who hasn't read it yet - below the cut. I out it up here to clean up the story again.


Surprise!

I guess wanting to write this chapter for more than 16 months now made me write it real quick – it pretty much flowed except for two small blocks and a handful of rewrites (although from a technical point of few it was HARD to make the words cooperate). But before I can let you read about what all of you should have been waiting for since HBR chapter 26, I have a few things to say on my behalf.

FIRST: THE SOAPBOX

Right now I'm not in a happy place.

Writing should be enjoyable. It is. What I have problems with is posting this story. In a way I think I should never have started ABD – but to resolve everything in HBR would have made an already endless story even longer, and I figured a break was needed. Also, I think my blog note explanations and simply showing you what BDSM is really about is important. More often than not it's the only thing that makes me hit the 'submit' button that will hopefully let an update notification flutter into your inbox.

I'm clearly not made for the medium that is fanfiction, not in the way I have to handle this story. For me it's a 'write what you know' turned nightmare thing at times – not because I get bashed, although that sucks when it (very occasionally) happens – but because so many offhand remarks that I presume are just that also hurt. As does the very steady decline of feedback or comments I get.

Yes, I'm whining again. Suck it up. This is important to me.

What I resent the most are the "but this can't happen because they are Edward and Bella!" comments. I know, writing fanfic means you're never working with your own characters. I think I hit a good balance between incorporating traits of the original characters into people who are in themselves somewhat unique. It takes a lot of work to balance that – and every time I hear that blasted sentence it's like a slap in my face because it is so obviously not important to whoever says that what the characters with their flaws and their past want, do, or need – why not stay with reading 'Twilight' for the 10000th time if you don't want anything else to happen? I just don't get it.

And the other thing is the aforementioned steady decline of attention my story (and I) receive. I'm not just talking stats – but after the 5th 'I didn't review the last chapters because they made me so uncomfortable/they sucked' comment a writer just starts to tear her hair out. It takes 5 seconds to type 'thank you' – and about 15 mins to create a whole new online identity with email, Ffn account, facebook and twitter – I know, because my birth certificate doesn't have the name Daria on it, and still I'm here, right? If what I write makes you uncomfortable, maybe we should talk about that? If what I write appeals to you in any way or just makes you curious, why not tell me? Writers are like puppies, they need attention and love or they turn into insufferable brats with social disorders.

Also, my mother taught me that if someone makes you a gift or shares something with you that they are really ecstatic about, you should give a little something back. 'Thank you' goes a very long way.

And don't get me started on the 'I always read on the phone and cannot login to leave a review' – I spent about 30 hours just writing and editing this chapter, on a computer, you can hunt one down for 5 minutes, too. And I think most phones that let you read whole chapters let you send emails, too, if the sites for whatever reason hate your brand of phone.

I love writing, it's something that has been an integral part of my life since April 4th, 1996, and will likely stay that way forever. I only write fanfic since February 2009, maybe it's time for me to turn my back on it and move on to a forum that doesn't rid me of my sleep for days at a time. I hate all forms of elitist restrictions – like moving this whole fling to a closed off LJ community – I mean there is a good reason why I post the story to one of the largest online communities that deal with fanfic and don't guard my chapters or stories from unwanted eyes. But as a writer who is deeply invested in her story and characters (and trust me, them living inside my head makes me the most invested of us all) I also feel like I want to share the enthusiasm and joy the telling of this story brings me with the people who appreciate it – and not just anyone.

I'm now going to step off my soap box and head to bed – it's 2:30am, I have to get up at 6, and this is going to be a long, long day. If you felt at least a little bit excited about getting the update notice for the story you might want to consider leaving me something that sends a similar notice to my inbox to share some of the feeling. (hint: it might start with 'thank' and end with 'you' – or just :) - whatever you prefer. And yes, it matters, even if it seems like a tiny gesture to you only.)

Plus I think there is no page on this chapter that doesn't invite comments.

Thank you for your attention. I'm sorry I bored you with this, but it needed out for a long, long time. With any luck we can resolve this issue once and for all. I know a steady 50 people already work hard on that each and every update. Or maybe they just refresh the page 40 times? Who knows. Although if that's the case, please make a video of it and send me the link, because this I really have to see! It would also end my fretting once the 49th review comes in. Someone is always on vacation and can't read ;)