Safewords, the emergency brake of BDSM

This is a recurring issue, it seems, so for the umpteenth time I'm trying to explain why I flip when the inevitable "why didn't she use her safeword!" pops up.

And yes, I'm trying to say something new here, and no, this is not a rant.




We've had a lively discussion on fb today that led to me mulling over this subject a little longer, and maybe the conclusions I drew will help a few more people see what I mean, and where I'm coming from.

If you've read my PSA blog posts before, you know that I've been doing this for a while now. 12 years, shit, I'm getting old! On the plus side this means that a few years from now I've spent more than half of my life loving who I really am, so, not that bad, eh?

What I am is a submissive. What I do is let evil, sadistic bastards (usually singular these days) have their wicked way with me, not quite in a "do whatever you want with me" way, but close. Sometimes that scares the hell out of me. Starting this whole thing was the scariest thing I've ever done. And the best.

I'd like to talk more about this later, but for those who don't want to read this whole novel of a blog post, let me cut right to the important point:

What I do in my private life can get violent, and if consent on all sides weren't involved, it would be rape. (Then again, anything, even non-violent sex that doesn't involve consent is rape!) I do not want to get raped. My SO doesn't want to rape me. So we take this whole consent thing very, very seriously.

Besides consent, BDSM is working because both respect and trust are involved. And that trust is also expressed by the presence of our safeword.

Now, what is this safeword? It serves two purposes. For the Dom it is that turning point where he realizes that, oh shit! Something went wrong, and now it is his sole purpose to make sure that his sub is okay and feels good again. For the sub, it's that Godly Hand that's reaching down and pulling her out of whatever fucked up, horribly gone wrong situation that she finds herself in, and make everything okay again.

When do you use a safeword? When accidents happen, or something intrudes into the scene that's out of control of any of the people involved. Examples are: cramps, puking, wrenched limbs, fainting spells, panic and anxiety attacks - in short, drastic things that make every sane person in the world stop what they are doing, and make sure this can never ever happen again. 
In very rare events, like when playing with an inexperienced person, a safeword can be used to define limits, too, but really, that doesn't really compare.

When is it not used? When the sub is uncomfortable.
Discomfort is an integral part of the BDSM experience. I think I spend more than 80% of the time in discomfort during a scene. Bondage is not comfortable! Being hurt is not comfortable! Sometimes, being fucked is not comfortable! Being in mental duress is not comfortable!

You might ask yourself why this crazy bitch is doing all that then? Well, for starters, because there's this guy who makes my life hell in those 80% of the time during play and I love him not despite but because of it! The simple fact that there's a person out there who gets under my skin like that, who pushes and drags me through that, who does all that for me and cares so much about me that he keeps coming up with new convoluted, and highly uncomfortable things to do to me is wonderful. Amazing. Mind blowing!
And, yeah, that crazy orgasm thing that usually gets amped up by all the discomfort might be a factor. But a small one, because you can do wonderful things with your fingers, a dildo and a dirty mind, too.

The point is, none of that is possible without a safeword.

Before I started writing twilight fanfiction and got all sorts of comments about safewords I've never considered abusing a safeword like people mention in these comments.

No one likes to use a safeword, or hear someone else use it. We all want to do our devious things in a safe, sane and consensual manner, we want them to work out as planned, and end with everyone thoroughly happy and satisfied, in their own manner. The need to use a safeword breaks the harmonic energy of that. We do this for fun, and getting hurt for real isn't fun. But if people now say that this most sacred of sacred things should be used if there's no more than a slight ouchie in the way, it feels like this:

You are defiling the most sacred, most important part of my creed.

I've never thought of BDSM as my religion, but in many ways it is. It is something I believe in, trust in, identify myself with. It is always with me, it defines part of who I am. My safeword is like a biblical commandment to me - it is my 'thou shalt not kill.' (maybe not the best commandment to choose, seeing as it's part of ethics and moral conduct, but what I'm trying to show is how important it is to me). It is the one (sometimes even undefined) rule that everyone is BDSM holds dear - if someone uses a safeword, you stop and make it right.

That's also why nobody would ever be as stupid as to use something as insane as "turpentine" as safeword. Seriously?! You use something you are already screaming at the top of your lungs when you're in excruciating pain and about to lose it - STOP! NO! RED! DANGER! ALARM! FIRE!
But, as you very well know, the thing with BDSM is that we love to get our role-playing on, so it's usually 'red', as 'stop' and 'no' are code words for something else entirely in our lingo. Still, 'red' does the same trick, it's short, and if you think of a stop sign, or a traffic light, you don't have to go far with your associations.
I'll let you in on a secret: Even if the safeword's 'red' and you scream 'stop' in obvious distress that goes well beyond what is warranted as a reaction: the Dom will get the message, too! When you scream like a stuck pig at a play party, people inevitably check in with you, unless it's been made very clear that making you scream like a stuck pig was the goal beforehand. We take care of each other. We want everyone to leave a scene with a smile on their face (despite or because of the runny mascara panda eyes from crying).

Another point that I think many forget is that the safeword is just as vital for the Dom. Most Doms don't have any qualms about what they do to their subs. Maybe at first, but once they've gotten to understand that what they do is not only expected of them, but also highly appreciated, the 'uhm, should I really be doing that to someone I respect?' queasiness gets replied with an emphatic, 'Hell yes!' (I'm paraphrasing here, people, of course it is more of an emotional journey, and I would never dare to simplify it like this unless to make a point). But I'm not talking about newbie Doms here who are still learning their ropes, I'm talking about someone with experience and a hell of a lot of self assurance and awareness.

For the Dom, the safeword is a constant reminder that we're still on 100% consent. And consent is what makes everything that happens in BDSM possible. BDSM is nothing if not consensual. Whether you subscribe to the "safe, sane and consensual" SSC, "risk aware consensual kink" RACK principle, or something as far out there as consensual nonconsent - it's still always consent. And how do you make sure your sub is still consenting when she's hung upside down, tied up like a pretzel and screaming for mercy because you've been flogging her for the past twenty minutes?

Well, is she using her safeword? No? Then go right ahead and fuck her mouth, because you both know that's what she really wants you to do right fucking now.

I'd never play without my safeword, I also don't trust people who claim that they don't need it, or insist it's some kind of mental crutch for the weak. It's an emergency brake! I've had to use my safeword, and it wasn't pretty. It gets a lot easier the second time around, at least as far as any second thoughts about using it go. Really, if you have second thoughts, chances are that you don't really need to use it (yet). It's okay to not want to do something again, that's what communication during aftercare or in scene planning is for. We're all human, our tastes and needs vary, we respect people changing their minds. But really, inside a scene you should have the honor and courage to stick up for that promise you made beforehand, unless it gets too much.

Please stop violating my religion. Thank you.