A Note on Respect

Emotions have been running pretty high along the last two chapters, and I feel like this note is well overdue. But before I can come to explaining what I feel some of you might be interested in - how ‘real’ BDSM works sometimes - I feel I need to say a few things about another topic - respect.


I have gotten a couple of reviews and PMs that have offended me - personally - this week, and I have responded in a less than mature and composed fashion. I’m not catholic, I don’t turn the other cheek, when someone gets in my face I usually retaliate in kind, and then some. Maybe that was uncalled for, maybe not, but that’s not my point. As usual, the fallout is the same accusation as always - is there a memo out there for offended readers to just copy? Because I swear, I have that very same answer in my inbox several times nearly verbatim. The fact is, I do value discussion, and I would be very disappointed if everyone would just blindly agree with me.

From where I stand, the problem is not the controversy, but the blatant lack of respect and courtesy. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when people are so caught up in the story that they really feel for and with the characters, but seriously, when you approach the author with whatever beef you have, THIS is the time to take a few deep breaths and distance yourself from the story, and try to be a little composed. I know this might be a little hard, but at least five people managed that wonderfully last week, and I think I could alleviate nearly all of their fears and concern. That’s what I mean whenever I try to encourage you all to leave some feedback - so that I see if what I intended to write got across for most people, and try to straighten out any remaining misconceptions.

Again, you don’t have to agree with me - but there’s a good way and a bad to express that, and I really hope we can all act like adults and stop this flinging of shit and prejudice around. If not, FFn and gmail have wonderful filters and/or ways to block incoming messages from select people. I’m just sick of having stomach pains whenever I open my inbox and there are new reviews and PMs waiting.

Now on to the ‘info’ - and main - part of this note.

Until two chapters ago, what Edward and Bella did was challenging mostly on a physical level. Of course Bella grew a lot on a mental level, too, she learned a lot about herself and grew comfortable with her submissive nature. Now they felt it was time to progress things further - and the next step was to start publish psychological borders. That was probably more obvious on chapter 21, but happened just as much when they were playing in the woods.

I can see why a lot of you were very concerned about what went down, and I think some didn’t really make the cut between themselves, and Bella here. Mindfuck scenes only work when you’re in the right mindset - and if I’m not terribly wrong, most of you don’t live in a D/s relationship where you’ve decided on a mutual basis that you want to take the step into this territory (but if I’m wrong you’re a bunch of lucky bitches, but then you probably enjoyed the chapters just as much as I did).

As we all know, a D/s relationship is rooted firmly on trust and respect. Players know that - always. A sub knows that however he might act in a scene or whenever they are playing, her Dom respects her like he respects no one else. He knows that she wants this - needs it, craves it even - and that’s why he does what he does. Of course he also enjoyed himself immensely, but it all always happens in this context. They both want it - and they respect each other’s wishes and limits and are so damn happy they have someone to share and indulge their needs with.

The nature of a BDSM relationship is that it is unfair, that it is unbalanced, and outside of the proper interpersonal conduct we are used to and thrive for. The fact that the sub can stop everything with the safeword and in that holds the real power restores that proper balance. Rightens the wrong. But unless for whatever reason she doesn’t feel well enough to play, the sub wants to be treated unfairly at times; she wants to submit - she needs something to submit to, even - and it gives her a sense of being owned and appreciated in her submission when that is put to the test.

Orgasm denial is a powerful tool to bring that side out of a sub; of course it is frustrating - and it gets only worse because you know you’re really the only thing that stands between you and your climax, because you’d just have to use that stupid safeword and could get yourself off within a minute. But that wouldn’t be a very satisfying orgasm. Trust me, I’ve done it, and the only thing it did was leaving me feeling stupid and weak. Because I want my Dom to be a badass, mean bastard who I sometimes even hate - but always love even more because he knows how good I will feel if I tough it out and wait and grit my teeth until he grants me that release I need. It’s a mental form of bondage, if you want to put it that way, and it has always been worth it in the end for me. It’s a reward not otherwise gained, and one I will crave for time and again. And my Dom knows how what he does makes me feel. He does it because he knows I want to feel that way - not frustrated, but proud when I was able to tough it out. That he does all that is a testament of his respect and love for me. And all the better that we both get off on this.

Another fact is that players who are into the SM part of BDSM really do get off in pain, giving and receiving. There is nothing wrong about that because a sadistic Dom doesn’t go around and hurts random people to get his kicks - he hurts his masochistic sub who loves to feel that pain and would maybe go to great (dangerous) lengths to search it otherwise. This way you have a controlled, save environment they both can indulge their needs in - and if that’s not your thing, fine, but you should let them do their thing without judging.
Not everyone into BDSM likes pain in one form or another, but for most it is a vital part of play. Of the couple of dominants I’ve bottomed for in my time in the lifestyle not one of them had any qualms hurting me, and I think none of them really had to indulge me there without enjoying it themselves - or if not the sadistic side of it, then at least the control they had over me be giving or withholding what I needed.

I’m more than happy to discuss things with every one of you if what I write is making you uncomfortable. I’m happy to try to explain, in detail, with examples if you want to, what is going on with the characters, or how this works out in reality. That’s why I write what I write, I’ve done this, I’m doing this myself, and I think these are the layers of a BDSM relationship that so many of those misconceptions that make people believe it is all abuse are rooted on. Let me help you understand.

I’ve considered just stopping to respond to reviews or comments that get under my skin. Maybe I will. It’s tempting to just think ‘fuck you’ and ignore it all. Let the ones who feel the need to make themselves feel better by offending me have their one minute of fame and let their flames die of lack of oxygen and attention. I’d rather these people these people would take out the heat of their grief from the reviews so we could discuss things on a more levelheaded basis. I still believe this is possible, although I’ve been proven wrong so often since I started HBR - but I’ll keep my faith if you keep yours.