A Note

Let's talk about a few things - like the last few chapters and what I mean with my previous A/Ns. And if you always wondered how I got to embrace my kinky side, you might wanna read on, too.


I’m sorry I didn’t really get to personally replying to all the reviews I got for chapters 18 and 19, but maybe I can answer most of the questions here.
I also have to stress that I still didn’t get a single bad/negative review for the story, which I’m insanely grateful about. I wrote that I was upset about the reactions I got - and in fact still am about a few - but that’s because the last few chapters held a lot of “me” in them, and while I know you were only reacting to what Edward and Bella said and did, some of it felt too close to you judging me. I know, booohoo, I should be more secure than that if I write personal issues into my story, but I thought that more of you would understand that there might be a strong “talking from experience” component to the chapters and maybe take a few minutes to think what they write before they spill their own insecurity all over the review page. Mind you, I’m not offended, just a little ... taken aback. But maybe I can clear most of that up by telling you where exactly I’m coming from, kink-wise.

I don’t know if it you already figured that, but in HBR and ABD I almost never associate myself with Bella, but quite a few times with Edward. You could say we share parts of the history and a lot of the limits list ;) From the beginning, B was more for the readers to associate with and/or understand, as I don’t think most of you would have come to like her so much if she’d been head over heels, pushing herself to the max all the time. I never intended to write much of myself into the story in the first place, and up until recently the conversation B & E had in the train very early in HBR was the only part where I ever let one of the characters speak for myself. It was the part where Edward told Bella that he’d always give her time to come clear with her needs and likes because he himself had somewhat of a rocky road coping with it himself years ago. We pretty much walked full circle with that topic until reaching chapters 17-19 where Bella herself was at the point where she wasn’t that secure in herself anymore as before.

Now to my own “story” - I generally don’t mind telling people but writing it to the ever silent, anonymous crowd out there is kinda scary. But I got enough emails over the last year of people who’re locked in that first stage so I feel like maybe seeing that they are not alone out there will help.

I don’t really remember when I realized that I wasn’t “normal”. I know there were some things in my early childhood that looking back are a dead-on indicator of where I’ve turned up, but kids do a lot of things for so many reasons that it’s hard to really pinpoint where they were coming from back then when the subconscious had full reign still.

I certainly remember the day I first had to confront myself with being different (although I forgot how old I was, somewhen between 9 and 11) when I had my first ‘wet dream’ and I pretty much scared myself shitless. So many years later the details are hazy at best, but it was a pretty intense rape fantasy, and waking up drenched to my knees after that probably sparked the first ever bout of insomnia I had. Thankfully my subconscious isn’t a really pushy bitch so it was a few weeks until I remembered having a similar dream, but for years they wouldn’t disappear. I tried ignoring them but thinking of them got me wet all over again, and over time I had to realize that I’m screwed.

I come from a very liberal and open family, and since I hit puberty my mom always had a very sex-positive stance. She stressed that I should wait until I felt mature and ready enough, but that sex was something two people should enjoy and that it was fun, and nothing to be afraid of. Lil’ 12 year old me was wise enough to keep my tongue about what my mind sometimes made of the “fun and not to be afraid of”, but at least the general idea wasn’t something I was shying away from. I still grew up pretty “well-protected” because it actually took a sleep-over at a friend when I was 13 until I realized exactly what a blow-job is (at least in theory). But with those girlish silly talks about sex and the wonderful sex ed teen magazines deliver my problem got worse and worse - because then I had to realize that not only did my brain come up with the weirdest ideas, it was pretty set on only those ideas. I didn’t want a boyfriend to kiss and cuddle, I wanted one to fuck, and not in a ‘take it slow the first time’ way, either. In the end all that combined made me feel like a freak, and that’s where I left the whole “sex” issue for years.

Like with all kinds of denial it comes and goes in stages - there were 6 months I still remember that I forced my mind to like cuddly, nice sex fantasies. Ugh. I think I didn’t come a single time during that. After that I finally accepted that either I go crazy or let my mind run free, but the whole idea put me so off sex that I didn’t even have a boyfriend until I was 15. I also attribute my endless, unfulfilled crush I had on one of my close friends from 14-21 to that attempt “to be normal”. And when I finally did have sex for the first time at 17 it was very anticlimactic. By then I was pretty much convinced that whatever others said, this whole fucking business was not for me, and barely tolerable enough to maybe one day get pregnant.

Then I finally got internet access at home, and things changed. First and foremost, there was porn. Don’t look at me like that, I was 17! But soon after that I found a few very informative articles online about BDSM, and from there on it was just a small leap of faith to realize that I wasn’t that much of a freak, at least not a lonely freak with no one else on the entire world to relate to. It was all scary and exciting, and before long I had to try it myself. My back-then boyfriend was somewhat of a push-over, and it was easy to talk him into being a little rougher with me, to tie my hands together or hold me down during sex, maybe even spank me a little - but while I had fun for the first time in my life when it came to sex, it wasn’t his thing at all, and let’s just say there is nothing more insensitive than a 18 yo scared boy breaking up with you. It came totally out of the blue for me, and hurt so much I felt like I was going to die (mind you, 17 yo still!!). The worst part was that he called me a slut and a freak, and as that was what I still kind of thought of myself it stuck. For years. Sometimes I’m not sure I really got over that even a full decade later.

So back to feeling like the utter weirdo I tried once again to accept a fun- and sex-less life, but some doors cannot be closed once they are opened. I’m a very sexual person, I sometimes joke that my mind is a constant stream of porn nonstop, and that together with feeling dirty and hateful about it all pretty much drive me nuts. One evening it got so bad that I finally went online and googled if there was a local BDSM community around - and after three months of being a wuss I finally went to one of their community events.

Scariest day of my life EVER, I must confess. Even after emailing with one of the hosts of their homepage (who is one of the nicest people I’ve ever come to call a friend, she’s really a doll!) I theoretically knew they wouldn’t eat me alive and all that, but I still needed nearly an hour to make it into the bar they were meeting at. Of course none of the weird ideas my brain had come up were true - they were all very welcoming, and generally a very fun and nice bunch of people to hang out with.

Let me disband another myth I’ve encountered along the way - how does the average kinkster look like? the answer is easy: average. Seriously. Older - between 35-65; in no way ‘hot’ - most people don’t have the body of a model, and the same goes for kinky people; more often than not smart and above-average well educated; and above all very nice and open-minded, and someone you feel you can trust easily as they are the types that are ‘responsible’.
If you come to think of it, most of that makes sense. Most people need years to come to realize what makes them tick. Sometimes it’s a divorce or bad break-up that makes them rethink, or moving to another country, seeing others struggle and fail in their lives because of personal reasons that finally opens their eyes. I was incredibly young at 18 to know all that, most people I know are closer to 30 than 20 then. Also, while I presume the average kinkster has more sex and tries to stay fit and limber to keep having that sex doesn’t make any physically fit 8and sadly you don’t burn that many calories with fucking!). Being older and experienced from living those many years longer makes it easier for them to be open to people who feel the same as they do, and most of them have come to learn how to be responsible. You need a certain amount of maturity for playing, particularly with people you’re not romantically involved with, and most 20yo (guys in particular, but also girls) lack that until a while later in life. I sometimes joke that all the kinky beautiful people work in the porn industry, and that the rest of us can’t really live up to that standard. We don’t have to, thankfully!

Now back to what happened. For the first few weeks, nothing. I mean I met really nice people, talked a lot, spent most of my time with them blushing a lot (because I get red in the face when I’m excited, not from being prudish), but that’s it. It was months later that I started talking and planning my first scene with one of the Doms, and I think it took two more weeks until he was satisfied with my limits list. It was very limited at first because he only let me out down the things I realistically wanted to do at that moment and he felt comfortable with introducing a novice to, which is usually the responsible way to go. When we finally did play it pretty much blew me away, although we didn’t really get to do anything that exciting. It was more the realization that for the first time ever I felt like someone appreciated me for who and what I was, and that while some of my preferences might be quite ‘out there’, that’s okay, too.

We started working on getting my limits to where I really saw them after that - once he knew that my assessment of what I wanted and could take was pretty accurate. I’m a painslut and I like to leave the playroom pretty bruised up, I knew that from the start, but no responsible Dom even listens to a sub telling him that after the second session only. Actually it was my first Dom’s wife who mostly worked me over and pushed me back then - she had a lot less problems going all mean on the cute girl than he did (probably because being a switch herself she knew just how much cute girls can take!). But we always remained on a very friendly basis only, they were an established couple and I had absolutely no interest in getting romantically involved with anyone, so that suited all of us just fine.

Eventually I also played with other people, also got a chance to top someone myself, but I kept it all strictly in the playroom. At the same time I had a few vanilla (non kinky) relationships but they never really did it for me, and as I didn’t want to cheat on anyone I usually ended them before I went back to find someone to play with me again. That went well for a few years but it’s frustrating to have to compartmentalize your private life, so I then decided to either not have any romantic relationships at all, or finally try to overcome being so burnt from back then by making it work with a Dom I knew and trusted.

In the end, it was luck only that got that plan working - as none of the people in my direct vicinity were suitable boyfriend material I signed up with a kinky dating site. I made a play-date with the first guy who didn’t seem creepy or fake, but when that day arrived I was sick as a dog and wanted to cancel, but he would have none of that, instead told me to meet him for coffee. The fact that he wouldn’t let me back out and actually told me to show up at the meeting sealed the deal for me. We’d talked a lot on the phone before that so I knew already that he wasn’t some lame macho idiot with that demeanor, but when we finally met he was all sweet and caring. At least until he stole the first kiss by sneakily letting me hide under his jacket when it suddenly started to rain, and brought me back to my car with his hand groping my ass the whole time. Ah, fond memories! neither of us expected that we’d stick together and fall in love eventually, but as these things go we were helpless ;) We still kept our relationship at a strictly play-only level while we dated for a while, but eventually all those layers merged into a very strong and rewarding relationship. I usually refer to him as my boyfriend, not my Dom, even when I talk about him online because he’s not just my Dom, although the word ‘boyfriend’ never adequately described how I feel about him. We fit together abysmally well in and out of the playroom, although I’m usually the pushy one while he has to hold me back when it comes to pushing limits.

Long story now told, back to the start. What upset me about the reviews was that so many seemed to disregard that TRUST that Bella and Edward by now have in each other and themselves. They could not play on the level they do without trusting each other explicitly. A physically intense scene is easy to do, but the moment you step into mindfuck territory, the Dom has to know the sub WILL use the safeword if things go wrong, and the sub has to be sure that the Dom will not push them too far, only far enough. I suspect most of you thought that possible because it was for dramatic and plot related reasons, but I wouldn’t write that as it would destroy all the work I put into establishing that trust.

And the second point that hurt was that many said Edward gave Bella too much time when she asked for it, so she could sort through her thoughts and problems. I needed 7 years to fully admit and feel comfortable with being a submissive masochist most of the time - Bella took it all in stride and then at one point wanted a week to sort the mess; also being honest to each other doesn’t mean you always tell your partner everything that’s bothering you - or do you? Can you honestly day that there’s nothing that you have issues with sometimes that no one else knows? Sometimes you don’t even have the words to voice a concern, just babbling about it usually doesn’t help. I always wonder how the people who are so fast with the “she has to communicate better!” cries are with communicating themselves. If you’re really that good, please tell me how you do it; I’m a very open person in my relationships, but even I need some privacy for my thoughts sometimes.

On that note, someone also mentioned that Bella needs therapy to get over the whole situation with Jazz - please tell me how it goes when you tell your therapist that you’re having trouble coping with when your best friend tried to fuck your other best friend who is also the man you love, and that all in a BDSM background where you feel he believes you’re an unworthy freak. It’s only been a couple of years since sadomasochism isn’t classified as a mental illness anymore - bringing it up in therapy might still get you committed. Or your partner arrested for abuse and assault. I’m a strong believer in therpy but sometimes you just need a little time and a friend or confidant t talk to. Usually costs less (coffee, sodas, and ice cream), and doesn’t end with any legal problems.
Also, coming out as kinky is scary. Some people react well to hearing the news, others don’t. I lost a few friends who now think I’m a worse freak than I ever thought of myself, or who think the same about my bf. The closer someone is to you, the more behavior like that hurts. I wish that no one would ever have to go through that, but the fact is, it happens. For some reason, homosexually is a lot more “normal” than BDSM for most people.

And a last note about pet peeves about myself - I’m bisexual. That means I like to have sex with men and women. That doesn’t mean I need a woman to feel satisfied completely. It only means that a woman could do the same as a man for me if I met the right one. Or not. I only have sex with women, I don’t have relationships with them. Please stop saying that Bella is insecure because she knows deep down that Edward needs cock to be happy. It’s not true. When you love someone, it’s easy to say no to things you’d otherwise enjoy but know are not out of your reach because of that person.

As I said, I meant no offense by what I said - just wanted to explain where I’m coming from.

I don’t know how many of you read this note so I will repeat the following statement about the story in my next A/N - probably nothing new but it has to be said.
- I do NOT promise a HEA. I’ve said so before, I will say it again, I will not promise a happily ever after ending. It would ruin the suspense of the story, and maybe my HEA isn’t your HEA and I don’t want to raise false expectations. That’s not to say I’m not going to write an ending where the characters are happy and together - but I don’t promise it. You’ll have to read it to know it.
- Just because they are Bella and Edward, that doesn’t mean they have to stay together. They don’t have to do anything, except die eventually one day in the far, far future. I might be writing fanfic, but I don’t write canon, so I have no reason to stick to any conventions. Again, doesn’t mean I will break them up, but please shove those weird conceptions overboard when reading any of my stories. And don’t leave me reviews that start with “but they are E&B, they have to stay together” either. if I were sticking somewhat to the original they would have to break up because in New Moon they did. Do you want that? I don’t. So stop it. They started out as fanfic characters with a few traits from the originals, but except for that HBR &ABD are completely unique stories that stand for themselves. You’re doing me and my characters a disservice otherwise. Thank you!