ABD Chapter 33 notes

posted at:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5846625/33

http://www.thewriterscoffeeshop.com/ - Chapter 33

https://sites.google.com/site/dariachenowith/abd/chapter-33

Sorry for being a little late (and too lazy to find a good pic), FFn is still screwed up so I haven't replied to ANY reviews personally yet - don't want to make anyone feel left out because the site eats my replies. I'll try to reply to those that need replies because of specific questions or comments later, although considering I haven't had the time and headspace to write anything new on ABD since February 5th, I kind of doubt it. One more week and I will have run out of my writing backlog, eep!

General explanations, statements, and a slight soap box moment below - plus a quick update on why I'm being such a recluse of late.

Lets's start with the positive stuff first - I'm beyond happy to see how much people care about the characters and recent events, judging from the way reactions ran high and rampant when I posted chapter 32. I hope that most of the (rhetorical, for no one could have expected a direct answer from me at a cliffhanger) questions have been answered now in chapter 33 - but there are a few things I think I should underline, or stress a little more than Edward in his narrative ever would (as to him they are a given, and not worth mulling over).

I think one of the main points of dissent, or unease if you will, is that we don't see Bella's POV of all this. I've refrained from elaborating on her opinion outside of what actually is spoken in the story because I didn't want to take away the element of suspense - maybe I should have, but, meh, the beauty of having something written from just one character's perspective is that you will always have to guess how everyone else sees the events unfolding. One of the reasons I stopped reading so many fanfics was that to me the overanalyzing from 2 POVs killed that feeling completely; I still think a writer should be able to write a strong enough 'voice' of one character that has to suffice to clear everything up - and the remaining uncertainties are what we all LIVE with every single day, as we can't read other people's mind. But for everyone who didn't catch everything, wants clarification, or is prone to mix my story up with others, here's where Bella is coming from.

Bella's life has changed a lot since the first chapter of HBR - that much is obvious. What I hope is equally clear is that the first and foremost change has been how she sees the world, and how she choses to react to things. Being in a BDSM relationship has given her a unique opportunity to reorient herself - she doesn't have to keep secrets anymore, can trust that her honest opinion is valued and they can talk - and should, even - about everything. EVERYthing. That's a huge change from what she grew up with - and what I presume most of you are used to - it means NO COMPROMISE. You can see things black and white only - either you want something, or you don't. You set limits to what you're comfortable with, and only within those clear cut boundaries compromise and indulging someone else exists. It also means that she can trust that when she claims to be okay with something, others will take that at face value, and she can expect the same from them.

If you look at what has happened in the eventful months since she and Edward became a couple, you can see how adapting to that has gradually changed how she acts and reacts. In the beginning it was all strange to her, a mere concept and words she was happy to say and hear, but she didn't really understand, didn't take it seriously. She didn't voice her insecurities, didn't consider that Edward expected her to say if something rubbed her the wrong way, as else he would assume that she was okay with it. She also wasn't used to be honest enough with herself to decide on everything that happened how she felt about it in a Yes/No - No third option way. When she walked in on Edward and Jazz on the couch, she had two options - to return to her old way, or to change drastically. She chose the second option - to own up to her insecurities and feelings, to vocalize them, and to make sure that there was no second-guessing or leeway possible in her opinions anymore. She chose to stick with Edward because she wanted him, loved him, and was ready to accept him with all his flaws. In the space of a few days she set the foundation of what the dynamic and relationship between them is now - trust. I would go so far and say she even knew that if Edward and Jazz ever stopped acting like assholes around each other, there was a good chance that they wouldn't remain on a 'just friendly' basis, either, because she had the emotional distance to see the reasons and motives for their behavior. She had half a year to come to terms with that, probably only needed a few weeks of that. What she wants is Edward to be happy - and as that doesn't exclude her, it's really a selfish thing of her to want. When he is happy, he will cause her less stress and reason to worry. She accepts that she is not the only one he can love at the same time, but is sure in her knowledge that she will always be special to him.

Some have remarked that of late she has seemed more like a bitch than usual - I think that's mostly the perception many people have of outspoken women. Towards Jasper in particular she has always been very forward, and once she got used to Edward being more at ease with her being like towards him - honest, no mind games - she changed her demeanor accordingly. That's one of the few aspects where she's a lot like me - from the sheer amount of expletives I throw in my bf's face you'd probably never guess at the other kind of dynamic that exists between us (while he's too much of a gentleman to ever call me a raging bitch to my face except for when we play). I think with the added information from chapter 33 her reaction to when Edward came home makes a lot more sense, too - she has been full of frustration for weeks, her need for honesty at war with her loyalty for Jazz, and when things got too much for her, she snapped. Her ranting about Edward visiting Alice was the equivalent of 'and you never take the trash out!' at the end of a long argument why you hate that your husband always takes the side of his mother over yours - terribly important because you have to end your stance with a gut punch argument, but utterly inconsequential once the real issue is resolved.

Speaking of which - this is one of two things that horrified me a little at the reactions I saw in comments and reviews (my betas would slap me now at combining the two in a sentence, but meh, I was horrified, but shrugged it off pretty fast) - how many said Edward should have asked Bella for permission to talk to Alice.

Please insert a mental pause, maybe consider for a moment how you'd react if your husband/boyfriend is hating one of your closest, longest friends who, admittedly, has been acting like a raging bitch of late, but you feel like the unresolved issues between you and her are killing you, and you need to fucking KNOW why she's been acting like that.

Personally, NO ONE will ever tell me who I can talk to or not, and for what reasons, and I would never assume I had to right to tell my bf how to react towards his friends, whatever I think of them. There are a few people I like a lot who he thinks are assholes, there are two women he has known for a long time who I would like to bitchslap every time he even mentions them, but we both agree to disagree, and it's none of our damn business what the other thinks or does. I call that a healthy relationship and trust. I also know that I react very strongly to statements like these because it comes to close to what some people think is part of the 'rules in BDSM', but is the complete opposite of it. I really don't want to offend anyone, and I'm quite happy to let you believe what you will, but I as a feminist think no one has the right to tell me how or when to talk to anyone.

The second small gripe goes in the exact same direction - someone made a remark that to me is something between a punch in the gut and a really tasteless joke. To me it implied they were equalizing BDSM with the hallmark excuse for domestic violence, and this is something I CANNOT stand. Like the implication that a sub is a doormat whose behavior is controlled by a domineering asshole, her being set up as a victim of abuse are the fundamental problems/prejudice I've had to face whenever I told anyone about that part of me. 

I know I've said it before, and I will never tire of saying it - BDSM is the farthest you get from domestic violence and abuse.

YES, I KNOW, it LOOKS similar, but as I have been preaching for two years now, BDSM is so much moire than just the physical aspects. It is about respect, trust and honesty, of embracing a part of you that scares you shitless and that makes you feel like a freak, of becoming whole and loving yourself, of finding someone who helps you accept yourself and who loves and respects you for what you are - without limits. Someone you can tell everything, every dirty, depraved detail or craving, and you know their view of you won't ever change, whatever you tell or ask of them.

To say it even more plainly, a Dom's sub is the person he trusts the most, who he respects the most, who accepts and respects him in turn. He admired her strength of character and thrives to be a better man to prove the trust she puts in him every single time they play, she makes him feel good about who he is. He can take everything she says at face value. 

Those are all incredibly powerful things I think we all would need a lot more in our lives, but seriously, how many people do you know that you can act completely carefree and yourself around?

Again, she is the one he respects the most, trusts the most, and would do anything to keep safe and see happy. 

We've had the discussion about marriage vows and their meaning before - I still think that the bond between Dom and sub exceeds that by far. I'm happy if you are sure that your marriage is an exception, but fact is, for many people it's a very temporary thing that can easily be divorced, sad as it is, and they are more often than not not honest about that view.

End of soap box moment.

I've been torn about even speaking up, but these are two issues which have had my guts twisted for days now, I couldn't keep silent. I really don't want to offend anyone, and I don't want to tell you what to think in general, but if what I have said made you rethink the dynamics in a BDSM relationship again, I'm glad I've spoken up. I hope I'm already preaching to the choir here, and assume I've once again been too picky and have (subconsciously) read too much into innocent statements. I'm a rabid Doberman when it comes to these issues, after all, but someone HAS to speak up, we wouldn't have women's right to vote yet if that hadn't happened a lot in the past.

Now for a quick personal update.

Life has been putting me through the wringer of late - not on an emotional level, but I don't seem to be able to catch my breath. I've been sick, my lecture/seminar/lab load at the university is gigantic, my part time job doesn't leave me much time, and what little of it is left has been taken up by my computer gaming habit of late (one might think that two heavy migraine spells in a week might prompt me to set down the ps3 controller, but noooo, that would be too easy). Lack of sleep and the strain from wanting ABD to just be over hasn't helped much. I haven't written more than a page of ABD since February 5th, and only four other one-shots in various fandoms besides that. I love my life as it is right now, and I don't want, nor deserve, anyone's sympathy - but the simple consequence of all that is that I don't have the energy or time to reply to reviews as I used to. 

I've even been somewhat glad that the site was fucked up last week so I had a convenient excuse not to worry about being unable to again - I'd really love to hug everyone for every single word they leave and lead hour long discussions with those who are up to it, but sadly I can't. Please know that I value your ongoing support more than I can express, even if my silence might make you think otherwise. That's not the case.

On a last note, we're down to the last couple of chapters for ABD - if you've been burning to ask something or hunger for specific outtakes, now is probably a good time to start thinking about then. I know I've said I would post a prequel to HBR when I'm done, I even have the first 50k of that written, but I'm so tired of the emotional meat grinder the whole topic has become for me that I'm no longer sure I should go ahead with that. Then again, I know that with a little vacation from something I'm sometimes big on rebounds, and you know that I'm a huge push-over, so, who knows? But for the sake of transparency I thought I should let you know. I'm just so tired of writing something that relates to something personal for me, compared to simply writing the best, kickass story my brain can come up with.

Thank you for taking the time to read all this! You're awesome :)

p.s. if anyone would like to read the utter filth I've been writing for Dragon Age II (my aforementioned ps3 addiction problem), let me know so that I post the links here, too. Since FFn is a cunt I've only been uploading them to TWCS or just my google sites archive, but I'm of course happy to put them a little more into the spotlight. 

p.p.s as people have mentioned they haven't yet but still want to read LMU (Lift Me Up, my fluffybunny of a 50k fanfic) I'll leave the story online for a while longer.